How to Waste a Perfectly Good Vacation Day (an Instruction Manual of Sorts)

posted on: Saturday, February 5, 2011

To begin, set your alarm the night before to ensure no sleeping in will take place
When it goes off in the morning, hit snooze one too many times and make yourself late right off the bat
Finally get out the door and find your car covered in ice and snow - spend an extra 5-10 minutes you don't have, scraping it off
Rush to your OB/widwife appointment and prepare to wait
Wait for them to call you back, when they do, wait for them to locate the overly sweet, syrupy fruit punch flavored drink for you
Drink it, while they watch and time you - you have 5 minutes
Try not to throw up
Get sent back out to the waiting room
Wait for another hour
Finally get called back for your exam
Midwife reports you are measuring two weeks bigger than you should be. You are sure of the conception date
This can only mean one of two things:
A: You really are as huge as you feel
B: Your baby is enormous already
Contemplate the drug free birth plan you have in mind
Get sent to the lab and where they draw your blood
Feeling both nauseous and now light headed you are finally released
Drive all the way back home because you realize you forgot some paperwork you will need for your next appointment
Collect said paperwork
Drive 40 minutes away to your next doctor appointment
Here, your family doctor will look in your ears, nose and throat, poke around at your glands and determine you need antibiotics for whatever this sickness is that is not going away and the cold you thought you had 10 days ago is still happy making itself at home inside of you
Doctor promises to send off your prescription to the specific pharmacy that you both tell him about and write down for him
"It'll be there before you even get there" he says
Since you are sorta/kinda on that side of town already, drive another 20 minutes away to book a spa and stay overnight for your stepmom and newly minted 50 year old dad here
On the way there, you will notice a suspiciously cold breeze in your car and wonder why your hair has, all of a sudden, began whipping you in the face
Look over and see this...

Freak out
Realize your window has detached itself and fallen into your car door
Call your husband in a panic and ask him to call the repair shop and see if you can take it in NOW
You are almost to the spa so while you wait for your husband to call you back you decide to go ahead and do what you came all this way to do
Pull into the spa and hope to god no one sees you exit from your moving disaster on wheels
Book said spa and stay retreat
Wish it was for you
Drool over the place a little and head back out to the embarassment you like to call your car
Husband calls and says the repair shop can take you NOW
Do the math and realize you are now approximately an hour away from there
The fastest way to get to the repair shop is the highway
It's about 15 degrees outside and now, in your car, as well
Turn the heat up full blast and prepare for a noisy and subarctic car ride there
20 minutes into your drive realize you are starving and haven't eaten all day
You also have no idea how long it will take for them to fix your car once you get there
Determine to go through gross fast food place drive through
Eat said grossness while driving
Arrive at the car repair place and stash the evidence in your trunk
Be thankful that at least the car is most definitely aired out of any residual french fry smell
Describe the situation to the nice german man at the front counter
Sit and wait
Watch car from your seat for approximately 30 minutes where you can see that no one has even looked in it's general direction
Read out dated copies of both Car and Driver and Automotive magazines
Realize you have to pee
Really bad
Wait some more
Finally, a mechanic approaches your car and examines it for a few minutes
Watch as he pries and wiggles the glass back into it's appropriate location
Sigh with relief as you see him finally get it back in place
He then comes inside and speaks in german to front desk man about your car
Wonder what they are saying
Front desk man reports it's not actually working, only temporarily fixed
He says your "window regulator" is broken but he's pretty sure it should be covered by Volkswagen and tells you to call them when you get home
You don't know what a "window regulator" is and have no choice but to believe that he knows what he is talking about
You leave without spending a dime and think you may be lucking out on this one after all
You now have to pee so bad it's hard to even concentrate on driving
You realize you still need to pick up your prescription
It's on the way home
You weigh your options
You decide to bite the bullet and stop for the prescription
Once you get there you immediately regret it
You can hardly walk at this point as baby does a little dance on your bladder
You make it in to the pharmacy and request your prescription
The girl at the counter looks everywhere for it
You are in agony
"We don't have a prescription for that name" she states
You tell them how your doctor said he was calling it right in
She decides to check the voicemail
You think you might die
It takes her about 10 minutes to go through all the messages
There is nothing from your doctor
You hobble out to your car and head for home and the nearest bathroom
On the way there you call your doctor's office and tell them what has happened
The lady on the other end of the line reports that they have sent your prescription to another pharmacy on the other side of town
Tell her that is nowhere near where you live and you have never even been to that pharmacy before
She insists that is the one they have on file for you
Feel the steam coming from your ears
Request, as nicely as possible, that they please send it in to the correct pharmacy
She says they will
Finally make it home and practically sprint to the bathroom
Once you are finished, tell your husband all about the day's unhappy events
Realize he is not having a good day either and your son and he are currently battling it out over nap time
Try to convince your son to nap
Try to take a nap yourself
Decide to call Volkswagen about having your "window regulator" fixed
Wait on hold 15 minutes
Your "window regulator" is not covered
Of course it's not
Call car repair shop from earlier and tell them it still needs to be fixed
Nice german man reports it will cost approximately $230.00 to repair it
Cry a little inside
Call the pharmacy to make sure they received your prescription before you head back out to get it
They have not
Realize that it is now after 5:00 on a Friday and your doctor's office is closed for the weekend
Throw your hands up in the air and declare this "The Worst Vacation Day EVER!"
Drown your sorrows in football shaped oreos and wait for the day to end and know that, if nothing else, at least tomorrow is Saturday and you get to spend it exploring the other side of town in search of your prescription.


  1. Awww, Emily. At least know that you really aren't huge at all-- You just feel huge. You're just cute and pregnant, and every pregnant lady is differently shaped and feels huge. But they're all normal and full of uncomfortable wriggly tiny humans. Womp womp.


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