I Want And I Want And I Want

posted on: Thursday, September 29, 2011

I'm unsettled - that's probably the best way to describe this mood I can't seem to escape lately. I feel pulled in a million different directions and my mind is a whirlwind of want and confusion. I can't turn off the thinking and the questions and the wanting --- the terrible, nagging wanting.
What do I want to spend my time doing? What's the best use of my money? What are my priorities? What should they be?

For starters, it turns out I really like this blogging thing. I'd like to be better at it, spend more time doing it, find more opportunities in that great big beautiful blogosphere. Fix my blog up proper and make it into something I can be proud of. I want to take pictures of Weston's bedroom now that it's finished and see if I can get it featured here. But first I'd need to dust his room, and while I'm at it - really my whole house needs dusted. Actually the whole thing needs a good thorough deep cleaning.

But, I can't put Oren down long enough to dust one room, let alone the whole house. Because he has those cheeks...oh those cheeks I can't resist. Tell me, how does one exactly live an existence without baby cheeks in their life? I guess if you've never had baby cheeks to kiss and nuzzle on a daily basis, you don't really know what your missing. But, here's the thing... I have. And now that I've had a taste, I can't go back.

And what happens when those baby cheeks turn into toddler cheeks then into little boy cheeks? Surely I will need another baby to fill the void. Babies! I would have a million babies if I could! I can't stop thinking about them. Their roly poly little bodies and toothless grins. I still have a baby and I'm already dreaming of the next one. (cue the Josh eye rolling now)

But then, where does that leave me? Less time for everything else...and I've been growing my hair out for so long now, that I really just want to sit in front of the computer and watch hair tutuorials for hours. (Seriously, I dream of this. I'm not even kidding.) Or finish that book I've been reading for about a month now and am only half way through. When will there be time for reading again? Oh, and Pinterest! Oh my lord, the hours I could spend on Pinterest if only I had the time...But then that just makes me find things like this. And now I need that bag. Like, NEED that bag, it's my bag soul mate, I'm telling you. (I've already alerted Josh to this fact, hint hint)

Or worse! I find things like this. And then --- there I go again, dreaming of a sweet baby girl to fill those shoes. But if I have another baby, how could I afford the bag? Or even the shoes?! And then I think...I shouldn't be spending money on any of these frivolous things. So, I go on on investment blogs and try to learn about stocks and money market accounts and then I get really confused.

These are the things that keep me awake at night.


Other things I want:

a VACATION - alone with my husband (but I can't leave my babies! Oh, the conundrum)
a massage
a manicure/pedicure/both if I'm really being honest
a college fund for Oren (hasn't been started yet)
a bigger college fund for Wes
a college fund for me (see: pay off my smothering mountain of student loan debt)
a haircut
more snuggle time and book reading with the babes
a new camera
a dining room rug
my abs back (P90X again?)
time to do P90X again
a retirement fund (ha! I threw this one in just for giggles)
to only work three days a week
the entire children's fall collection here
new clothes for me too, now that I think about it

I could go on, but I'll spare you.

And I can't have all the things on that list --- not even close. And to have some, I will have to let go of others.

What do I give up? What do I fight for?

Can I just forget it all and have some ice cream instead?


(The best therapy I have come up with so far is to force myself to remember the movie Precious and remind myself that some people have actual real problems in life. It helps.)


  1. I know what you're all getting for Christmas! Nothing beats the financial fortitude of a savings bond! It's the gift that in 30 years will make you resent me while you're doing your taxes.

    (oh, yeah I'm that lady)


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