Today's the Day!

Happy 6th Birthday my kindergartener! 

We couldn't love you more.

Last Night of Five

This is how I will remember this night. Tissue clenched in fist because he cried himself to sleep. Six years old tomorrow and starting kindergarten at a brand new school. He doesn't want to go. I don't want him to go. He still sleeps with the animal blanket he's had since he was born. He is older, but he is still so little. He still wanted me tonight when he was scared. His body curled tightly around mine and I stroked his hair and told him everything would be ok. I held him in my arms until sleep finally came and I was grateful. Grateful for how much he still needed me tonight, because I still need him - and tomorrow isn't going to change any of that. Tonight we were scared, but tomorrow we will be brave. 

Six Years

Wes turns six next week (on his first day of kindergarten no less - sniff, sniff) and we just got his annual birthday photos back from sweet Katie, who so graciously has been taking them for six years running now. As always, she nailed it. I'd love to share them here if you'd care to take a peek. Thank you, Katie!

this guy just absolutely slays me.

A Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday (31) and I wasn't really expecting too much out of it this year. I mean last year we were in Iceland so that's just kind of a hard act to follow, right? And Josh is out of town, and it was a Thursday and I had to work, so, you know, just...bummer. But you know what? I sure do have a lot of people in my life to be grateful for. Because even though Josh wasn't home he left a sweet card for me before he left (and one from the boys as well). And when I got to work I had more birthday cards and homemade goodies piled up on my desk than I knew what to do with, not to mention two bouquets of flowers. Then Abby picked the boys up from their sitter early for me and when I went to retrieve them they surprised me with an adorably decorated homemade cake complete with sparklers and they sang me "happy birthday" and it was just the best. For dinner we decided to do something easy and splurged on one last big order from the root beer stand before they close up shop for the season. The sun was shining so we took it to a nearby park and ate together under the pavilion in the fresh air. 

So, basically what I'm saying is that it was actually a pretty great birthday after all. 

Because my people are the best people, and I'm super lucky to have them.

(and when josh gets home he's promised me brunch and a movie, so viva la day date!)

happy weekend, everyone

Life Lately

Let's just be real for a minute. This is what my calendar looks like right now.  Even looking at it is giving me heart palpitations.

And that pretty much sums up life lately if you wanted it in a nutshell. So just know that I haven't given up on blogging, I just can't seem get my brain in any sort of mind frame for writing or my butt in a chair for the hour or so of free time it takes to write a decent post. And I'm trying to give myself a little grace on this front. (I hope you will too). This space is important to me, but sometimes you just have to admit you can't keep up with it all, all the time. Summer is always the busiest season for us every year by far, but somehow I seem to forget that until one day I wake up I realize every single day is booked with one thing or another (or sometimes three). And normally I'm happy to roll with it knowing plenty of cold winter days spent cooped up inside are waiting for us just around the corner - but this summer and this pregnancy just do not seem to be compatible. Life has been all doctor appointments, school supply shopping, graduations, birthdays, birthday party planning (I'm about to have a SIX year old?!), photo shoots, bridal showers, hair appointments, vet appointments, dentist appointments - you name an appointment and chances are it's on my calendar this month. Add in a husband who has been traveling for work more than ever before and things are just...rough...right now, if I'm being honest. And I can't seem to be able to find the off switch for my brain at night to allow me any solid stretches of good sleep. Last night as I sat in bed knowing that my alarm was set for 5am but at 2am I still had yet to even close my eyes? - it's all just a little maddening if you can imagine. Has anyone else experienced a pretty severe case of pregnancy insomnia before? I had it a little near the end of my last two pregnancies, but I'm talking like the last four weeks or so. But this has been going on already now for at least a month, and I can't see how it will improve as I only get bigger, more uncomfortable and closer to delivery. Normally, if I weren't pregnant I'd be all, bring on the ambien! But so far as I know, there's not a whole lot of safe and effective stuff to take when you're with child. Yesterday (at yet another appointment - whatup glucose test?) my midwife suggested I take half a Benadryl before bed to help make me drowsy, so I'm going to try that. But if anyone else has any tried and true suggestions - I am all ears.  Really, lay it on me. That or lay a rubber mallet upside my head tonight because girlfriend is getting desperate.

Meanwhile, I'm going to do my best to keep up with the demands of this month and still carve out a little time for blogging where I can. I do have another post in the works on what I've been reading lately - (the one perk to insomnia being plenty of extra hours for catching up on books and mindlessly scrolling through Netflix?) - so stay tuned for that post (hopefully) coming soon(ish). I'm not making any promises :/

Much love and sleeping dust to all.

xoxo

On Birthing Third Babies and Facing Fear

I am 26 weeks pregnant and I am not sleeping. At night in bed with all the pillows crowded around me I dream and I wake and I toss and I turn and I fret. I am agitated. I am always agitated. I can't even put my finger on why. There is a fear simmering inside of me waiting for attention. Wes starts kindergarten at a new school in three weeks and transitions like this are always hard for me. But I don't know if that's it, because when the worried thoughts come into my head I push them out and I haven't allowed myself much time to dwell on them. He starts school 20 days from now regardless of how I spend the next 20 days. I can spend them full of dread, slowly killing off our last few weeks of summer with nervous anticipation or I can ignore that date that's looming over my head and cross that bridge the day I come to it. So I've been doing the latter and soaking up these last few summer days for all they're worth. The agitation, I suspect, comes with the impending fall season for other reasons.

****

One more birth. I have still have to go through one more birth before I'm done. I don't have great experiences to look back on. In fact, the days my boys were born were two of the most gut wrenching, terror fraught days of my life. I WANT to remember them with fondness, because after all, they do have a happy ending. I have two beautiful and healthy children as the result, and for that I am so, so grateful. But. They were painful, not just physically, but emotionally unsettling and disturbing. I foolishly thought I could breeze through my first labor with an epidural and when that didn't work out it rocked my world. When the drugs weren't working and Wes was born transverse after intense back labor and no pain relief with the cord wrapped so tightly around his neck that he had to be taken away and resuscitated, I thought that was just a fluke. Surely the next time would be better. Next time I would take more control of the situation. And the next time I studied everything there was to know about laboring drug free. I took classes, I listened to relaxation tapes and practiced deep breathing. I had a birth plan and I was prepared this time. Until, I wasn't.

Until son number two came barreling out faster than I could even comprehend. Until my water broke and it was obvious there was meconium in the fluid. Until there wasn't time for an epidural or deep breathing and I lost complete control of absolutely everything. Until Oren came out blue and limp and unresponsive. But this time he wasn't so easily resuscitated. This time they took him from me in an ambulance to another hospital before I'd even laid eyes on him. Once again I found myself in a hospital bed, tired, wounded and with empty arms. Later they made it clear to me that we were very, very lucky Oren's story had the happy ending that it did. That he only had to be hospitalized for four days and that he suffered no long term effects from his rocky entrance into this world.

So when I think of doing this again, I don't have the naïve optimism I once had. I no longer assume that things will work out fine, or that I have any control or choice in the way this birth goes and I am terrified. And so, I ignore it. I haven't done anything to prepare for this birth. I have taken no classes, read no books, formed no plan. I have no idea if I will want to try for pain relief this time or if it will even be an option. I feel lost and anxious and instead of looking to that day with happy anticipation I am dreading it. At this point I no longer expect, nay, even bother hoping for a beautiful, serene birth and a magical moment of meeting my baby and holding them to my chest. Instead I am reduced to the most basic desires. I hope to make it to the hospital and I hope for a breathing baby this time. I am scared even hoping for these most basic things means I am sure not to get them. I worry about giving birth in the car, I worry about breech presentation and emergency C-sections. I worry about blue babies and all the things that could go wrong instead of right.

So, how do I change this? What do I do to let go of all this fear? I am SO excited to finally meet this baby and I feel like I have never wanted a baby more than I want this one, right now. But I just wish there was a way to escape the birth. I wish I could just go to sleep and someone would wake me when it's over. But I can't do that. It's coming for me, no matter how much I try to fight it. And so, I am trying to let go and looking for a way to be able to feel the way Amanda did when she so eloquently wrote, "I feel a calmness, similar to labor, knowing that what is ahead will come regardless of how I respond." I need to find a way to get to that place where I am comfortable handing over any modicum of control. There is a calmness I am so desperately seeking. I just need to find it. I am trying to unstrap this fear from around my heart and breathe, breathe, breathe.

68 Photos of Nashville

Because if there's one thing this blog is good for (?) it's way too many photos. We just got back from Nashville in the wee hours of the morning yesterday, back from visiting my brother and from eating all the food. I miss Ben already. And the food too. I definitely miss the food. It was a good, good weekend. I had a few concerns going in - we were taking the boys and although they're usually really great on car rides, 8.5 hours in one go was the longest we had ever clocked with the two of them in tow. But they did great! Truly, not a peep out of either of them the whole way there and back. ipad for the win! And driving through the night for part of each way helped because they were able to sleep through a few of those long and agonizing hours on the back end.

Also, the weather. I honestly don't know what I was thinking when I planned this weekend other than it was just the only timing that seemed to work for everyone - but Nashville? In July? While 6 months pregnant? H-O-T. I was panicking a little last week when I'd check my weather app for the current temperature in Nashville and it was reporting daily 97, 98 degrees...

But luck was on our side because a little cold front came through and the weather ended up being absolutely perfect. It was still hovering around 80 degrees the whole time we were there, but that's no different than a typical July day here, so it was definitely manageable. We were outdoors almost the whole weekend so the slightly overcast skies helped and we were pretty darn grateful to be so comfortable when we could have easily been so miserable.  

So thanks, Nashville! I knew I liked you!

oh, and here's where all the food pics start ;)

(Noshville)

^^^me, lookin super pregnant whilst channeling Johnny Cash + having zero skin color to speak of^^^

the most fun park right downtown with splash pad, killer views and the best part - it was FREE!

Hattie B's hot chicken + popsicles from Las Paletas at Hot & Cold

obligatory southern dinner at Monell's and sunday brunch at Margot. Still dreaming of those blackberry + cornmeal pancakes btw.

Um, a stroganoff burger and german potato salad? Okaaaay, I think I will!

Last time we visited we got to do some of the more grown up activities the city has to offer (like tour the Ryman and see a bluegrass show) but with the boys along for the trip this time we had to find a few kid friendly ways to spend our days. Insert, the botanical gardens.  

This place was SO beautiful. The gardens and grounds were amazing and they have tons of stuff for kids to do. They were running a "big bugs" exhibit with gigantic bug sculptures incorporated into the scenery which the boys completely ate up. They had a tree house, an outdoor toy train exhibit and for the grown ups, an Andy Warhol exhibit inside the old restored mansion turned art gallery on the grounds. There was definitely something for everyone.

Until next time, Nashville! Thanks for treating us so well!

xoxoxo