The Scariest Thing I Ever Did

Was Have a Baby. Not the actual having him part, (although that's a whole other level of scary that I'm not going to get into) but the loving someone so much that sometimes, when you look at him, it becomes physically hard to breathe part. Loving someone so much that your own happiness and sorrow is in direct proportion to theirs, completely out of your own control. Loving someone so much that you realize if anything were to ever happen to him, you literally don't know if you could go on. That's the really scary part.

I have a friend and this friend is an amazing mother to two beautiful young boys. The other day life changed for them forever. One of her sons was involved in a simple, everyday accident that has escalated into a serious health crisis involving major surguries with life changing consequences. Ever since I heard about this all I can do is just sit and think about this sweet little boy and my dear friend and what they must be going through.

I can't even imagine.

I got to visit them in the hospital the other day for the first time. As I watched my friend, exhausted from constant worry, the color from her face drained, tired from sleeping on a couch in a hospital room for weeks on end, I wondered if I could ever be that strong. Here she is, facing the most difficult challenge of her life head on. She remained at attention, looking after her son in his hospital bed, speaking cheerfully to him, tending to his every need, mothering him with all she's got. It's all I can think about. What if that were me? What if that were my child? Could I hold it all together?

I hope to god I never have to find out.

I just keep thinking of the day I brought my own son home from the hospital. You have this little baby, perfect in every imaginable way, and you wish time would stand still and he could stay that way forever. But the truth is, you know things will happen, his life will have it's own path and you will not always be able to protect him from everything. He will get hurt.

The thing about motherhood is, you do it anyway. It's the biggest risk you could ever hope to take, and knowing how scary it is and how much it will hurt, you do it just the same.