The Birth of Ever Iris

I was overdue. Three days to be exact. Nothing crazy but it felt like a lifetime. This was my third baby and the first two had come early, so this was by far the most pregnant and uncomfortable I had ever been. I was dumbfounded by my situation, completely and utterly incredulous to the fact that I was still pregnant. 

Around 38 weeks I'd packed up my family and moved us all into my sister's apartment. She lives minutes from the hospital we planned on delivering in and after my last baby came breathtakingly fast I was terrified of being at home, thirty minutes away, when labor started. We moved in on a friday night and stayed the entire weekend, taking long walks, watching tv, waiting for something, anything, to happen. It never did. I had a check up the following Monday and my midwife informed me I was nowhere near delivery. There was no progress, no dilation and the baby was about as high up as it could possibly be. Awesome.

Back at the apartment, teary eyed and defeated, I packed everything back up. I deflated the air mattress, threw all our bags back in my car and moved back home. Apparently, this wasn't happening. I'd resigned myself to the fact that I may never give birth. This was just my life now. Perpetual pregnancy. I know it isn't logical, but I can't explain the mindset of a woman that pregnant, you just go batshit crazy. Fast forward to 40 weeks + 3 days and there we were, still at home, putting the boys to bed and generally trying to not think about how goddamned pregnant I still was. Ignoring well meaning texts and phone calls from concerned friends and relatives asking (kindly if but constantly) if anything was happening yet. As they say, a watched pot doesn't boil, and I'll sure as hell be the first one to let you know when it does. 

Anyway, the boys were asleep and we'd just put ourselves to bed when I started feeling some light contractions. It was hard to tell if this was the real thing since last time my water broke and there was no doubt the fast and furious contractions I was feeling were the real deal. But this was a lot more ambiguous. No water breaking, no bleeding, just some uncomfortable contractions. Just to be safe I asked Josh to start timing them. They were coming pretty regularly at 10 minutes apart and this time they hurt. They definitely weren't the braxton hicks I'd been having for months. But still, this could be false labor or it could stall out, so we waited another half an hour or so until they started coming about 8 minutes apart. That's when I started to panic a little. I had been terrified about this birth since the minute the pregnancy test was positive. Having had two pretty awful labor and delivery experiences before with both of my sons I was sure this one was going to go awry as well. Neither of my boys had been breathing at birth (for varying reasons), they both had needed resuscitated and my second son was taken by ambulance to the NICU at another hospital before I'd even gotten to look at his little face. And while they both ended up being fine in the long term, I was so afraid of everything that could go wrong. In fact I was convinced everything would go wrong. 

I started crying immediately and telling Josh how scared I was and maybe we should just wake the boys up and we should all go over to my sister's for the night just in case this was really it. He agreed and we quickly loaded the kids and bags into the car. I'd called Abby to let her know we were coming over and that I was having some questionable contractions that may or may not be anything. We started the thirty minute drive over. About half way there things had intensified dramatically and I was no longer unsure if this was "it". This was definitely it. We called Abby again and asked if she and Jeff could meet us outside when we got there and we could just drop the boys off with them and go straight to the hospital. We called the midwife on duty, and knowing my history of fast deliveries asked her to meet us there asap. I was so, so relieved when the hospital finally came into view and baby was still safely inside. I had been terrified the entire pregnancy that when the time came I'd be too far away and I'd have to give birth in the car. Fear number one was checked off the list and so far, so good.

We checked in and I was met by the most incredibly understanding and accommodating hospital staff imaginable. At the last minute, mere days before I actually delivered, I'd typed up a birth plan, essentially a wish list of how my birth might go if things actually went the way they were supposed to and packed it in our hospital bag along with everything else. I'd considered not even doing one at all since things had gone so far off track with my last two deliveries that it seemed almost foolhardy. But Josh dug it out once we arrived and everyone read it over and really tried their best to honor all of my requests the entire time we were there. The things I had asked for were; an epidural if possible (my first labor the epidural didn't take and my second labor progressed too quickly to even attempt one), no unnecessary interventions and the opportunity to if at all possible, receive my baby immediately following delivery. I asked that we delay cord clamping or weighing the baby and have him or her placed on my chest for immediate skin to skin contact and feeding. It was a long shot, no doubt about it. To think I could have any of this, let alone all of this happen given my past experiences, but there was no harm in trying, right? 

I told them I had a history of lightening fast deliveries and they were on it, calling anesthesia immediately and getting my IV fluids started as quickly as possible. But here was the other thing, I'd tested positive for Group B Strep in the standard third trimester screening. GBS, if you're not familiar with it, is a normal bacteria present in lots of people all the time and is generally harmless and of no concern. Unfortunately, the one time being a carrier of this particular bacteria can be worrisome is when you're pregnant. That's because it can be passed to the baby during delivery and cause serious complications if the baby contracts it. To combat this the standard procedure is to administer antibiotics to the mother at the onset of labor. If mom can receive a course of antibiotics for at least four hours before baby is born, then you're all good. But, if labor progresses too quickly and baby comes before mom has gotten the full dose then they have to treat the baby with antibiotics instead. And from what my midwife told me they do it right away after baby is born and they generally have to take them to the nursery for the treatment. Meaning, if my labor didn't last at least four hours after the antibiotics were started, this baby, like the two before it, would need to be taken away from me right after birth. I was positive that this was inevitable. My last labor and delivery took place over the course of three hours start to finish and typically each subsequent baby comes quicker than the last. I was already 5 centimeters dilated. But, they started the antibiotics and we all collectively crossed our fingers for a miracle. Somehow we needed this baby to stay inside longer than both the others ever had. I was pretty sure we were doomed. Meanwhile though, the midwife showed up, our birth photographer walked in and the anesthesiologist came in to give me the epidural. Check, check and check. I'd worried so much in all the months leading up to this delivery. I worried my midwife wouldn't make it in time and I'd have to settle for whatever stranger doctor was on call. I'd worried our photographer would be too late and everything would go down before she even made it to the hospital. But most of all I was afraid I'd have no time to get an epidural. And here we were. Three more fears crossed off the list. Don't get me wrong, I still had plenty to be nervous about, in fact I was questioning whether even having a photographer there at all was a good idea considering how the last two deliveries had gone. But we'd known this was our last baby, and if not now then when? We would never have a chance to document this experience again if we didn't try this time and so she was here, for better or for worse.

But let's get back to that epidural. I was elated once it kicked in. It was so different from what I'd expected. I'd thought I'd be completely numb but happily I could still feel pressure and was able to move my legs but the pain was gone. GONE! I totally get the hype now. I started to relax a little after the pain began to subside and Josh and the midwife and our photographer Lauren and I were all able to talk and even crack some jokes and generally pass the time pleasantly. It was like night and day from my last two labors and I just kept saying over and over again, is this real? Like is this really happening right now? How is this labor? The midwife said to let her know when and if I started to feel the need to push, we both expected it would happen quickly and before the four hours were up, but my water hadn't broken and we hoped the epidural might slow things down a little. She said she wasn't going to check me again until I thought I needed to push or the four hours were up, whichever came first. So we just waited. And slowly, miraculously, the hours passed. One, then two, then three and finally, unbelievably, four. And right as we hit the four hour mark, I felt the need to push. No joke. I don't know if I had been mentally willing my labor to slow down until we hit the four hour mark or if it was just an incredible coincidence but here we were. My midwife checked me and sure enough I was fully dilated and then, as if right on cue, my water broke. She just shook her head in disbelief and we knew it was time to get this party started.

That's when the pushing began. Things had been going so well, so incredibly well, we were bound to hit a speed bump somewhere. Pushing was our speed bump. I pushed and pushed and pushed some more but I was making minimal progress at best. Tired and frustrated I continued to push to the point of exhaustion and over an hour later our midwife started to get concerned about some heart decelerations in the baby and my lack of progress. Here it is, this is where it's all going to go wrong, I thought and the panic started to set in. She called in the OB on duty to assess the situation and at this point things become a bit of a blur. The epidural had worn off for the most part and they were pushing more meds in to try and alleviate some of the pain. The doctor came in and examined me and had me push a few times and he determined our dear little baby was actually quite big and indeed quite stuck. This had been a blessing and a curse. This baby being stuck meant I did not give birth in the car.  This baby being stuck meant I'd had time for an epidural and time for my antibiotics. But now it also meant I couldn't do this on my own, it also meant the vacuum. The doctor explained the vacuum procedure to me, but really I didn't hear a word he said. I just wanted this baby out now. I was all about the interventions at this point, I just needed to be done and I did not want a c-section after we'd gotten this far. So he placed the vacuum on the crown of our baby's head and while I pushed, he pulled. We did a few pushes and made a little progress but I was desperate for them to tell me it was almost over and that the baby would be okay. I kept asking if we were done, if the baby was almost out and he kept trying to distract me with small talk while we progressed bit by bit, contraction by contraction. 

At one point (and I can laugh at this now) he asked me if we had names picked out for the baby. I remember mumbling a yes, but that was about all I could muster at the time. When I didn't offer up our names he laughed and said, "Well, I think you should name it Gigantor!" At which point I began to sob hysterically. Folks, a word of advice here. Do not, under any circumstances, point out to a lady in that predicament, with legs spread and a vacuum on her unborn child's head, just how enormous said child is while it still needs to come OUT. Big mistake. After that he promised me he'd get it out on the next push.

That's when it happened. 

With one last desperate push, all the pain and the pressure was gone. I was light as a feather as I watched my baby's body being lifted into the air. Tears clouded my eyes and I fell back in relief as the doctor announced to the room, "It's a girl!" I was stunned. I looked at Josh in disbelief and watched the tears begin to stream down his smiling face. "No, no, no!" I said. Not because I wasn't happy but because I just could not believe it. I still don't quite believe it sometimes. I remember thinking, "He said it's a girl, he can't take it back now." After all this time, after two sons and a long and difficult pregnancy. After spending nights worried about how this is my last baby, boy or girl, this was our last. I was so afraid I might never have a daughter and now here she was. She was real. SHE.

It was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the best moment of my life. Because we had waited to find out the gender and the surprise was so worth all those months of waiting and speculation. Because we already had two perfect boys at home. Because I was overdue and tired. Because the labor had been long and difficult and trying. Because this was our last. 

Because finally, after everything, we had our daughter.

And she was breathing! She was healthy. The miracle of it all shifted into view and I cried tears of joy and relief and utter astonishment. They put her right on my chest like I had dreamed about so many times before and I got to look right into her eyes and feel her soft skin against my own. She was perfect. She was everything. I didn't know how much I needed her until she was here. 

My daughter, our daughter, forever.

If you haven't already seen it, our photographer put together a video we would love to share if you click on the link below.

 

The Birth of Ever from Lauren Grayson Photography on Vimeo.

Thank you, Lauren, thank you so much.

Overdue

In case you were wondering...

yup. stillllllllllll pregnant.

Maternity Photos

Josh has been working with local photographer Lauren Parker on a special project for her website, which I can't wait to share here when it's all finished, but in the meantime Lauren took some maternity photos of me and my little family that I'd love to share today if you'd care to take a peek!

When Lauren and I were discussing the session I had a pretty clear idea of the type of photos I was hoping for and I have to say, she completely nailed it. Thank you Lauren, for this beautiful shoot and for capturing this special time for us. I will treasure these photos forever. 

39 Weeks + 1 Day (the state of my uterus address)

please excuse this blurry/grainy taken while it's still dark out at 6am before heading out the door to work photo

At 39 weeks and one day pregnant my uterus is decidedly still occupied. This is the most pregnant I have ever been. If this baby were like his or her brothers it would have been born yesterday, as they both came at 39 weeks on the nose. Needless to say, I was fully expecting to have a new baby by now. Which just goes to show you, as with every labor and delivery of mine I have absolutely no clue how things will ever actually go and when I do hazard a guess, I am most always very WRONG. 

So, yeah, still pregnant.

 

Well, hello there October

“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Things have been quiet around the internet lately, haven't they? Well except for E. Ivie who came back from her blogging hiatus with quite the bang. All these new posts from her have me terribly spoiled and I've been so enjoying getting to dig into her writing again. But unfortunately for me, I can't say the same. Things have certainly been quiet over here in my corner of the web. I have been working on the house, cleaning and organizing and nesting, I suppose. We've been getting into our new school routine with Wes, and into the hang of homework and sight words and lots and lots of book reading. 

Now that Wes is in school five days a week, I've been savoring my Mondays with Oren. After Wes was born and it came time to transition back to work after maternity leave I changed my schedule and began working four ten hour days (taking Mondays off to have an extra day home with him, just the two of us). This has been my schedule ever since and when Oren was born it became another day I got to spend with the two of them together. When Wes started Pre-K at age four, I still kept him home on Mondays with me (selfishly hanging onto our Mondays together for as long as I possibly could). But now that he's six and officially in kindergarten, four day school weeks are no longer optional, and off to class he goes on Monday mornings. I was (and still am) mourning the fact that our Mondays together have finally come to a close. I know he feels it too, and knowing he has to go to school while Oren gets to stay home with me has been a tough pill to swallow for him. But we're adjusting.  We're always adjusting and then re-adjusting to new schedules, routines, growth, life changes. But in Weston's absence I have been trying to really focus on these brief weeks where my Mondays are for Oren and Oren only. In between school starting in August for Wes and the birth of our newest babe at the end of this month (hopefully) I have these few, precious weeks of Mondays with my second born. If I stop to think about it, Wes had over two years of Mondays being the only child where all my attention was devoted to him and only him. And when Oren goes off to kindergarten in a few years, baby number three will have me to themselves for the few remaining years of their own toddlerhood before he or she begins school. But Oren? All he gets is this handful of weeks with my total, undivided attention. The plight of the middle child, I suppose. But what can you do?

So I have been spoiling him extra good, with breakfasts out and trips to the pet store and ice cream shop. Lots of couch cuddling and movies of his choice. Trips to the park and a few too many glasses of soda. He probably won't even remember this time we have spent together, but I certainly will. I am clinging to him for all it's worth for these next few weeks and enjoying every last moment while he's still my youngest and still my baby. And as much as I am looking forward to meeting our newest little one I will try my best not to wish away these last few weeks. I will enjoy this last small part of what will soon be my old life. I will savor this October.

A 32 Week Check In

I have been so bad at documenting this pregnancy. Actually, I am bad at documenting all my pregnancies and have only a handful of pictures of my growing belly from each of them. So here I am, dutifully documenting week 32 for the sake of posterity.

(Lincoln photo bomb!)

How I should be feeling at 32 weeks pregnant is happy, glowing, grateful. How I actually feel at 32 weeks pregnant is done. Which is unfortunate because I still have about eight weeks to go (seven if this little cub is anything like his or her brothers). Josh keeps saying, "only two months to go!" and I keep telling him to stop counting in months.

(I AM grateful though, just so we're clear ;)

Things of note at 32 weeks pregnant ---

The Good:

Baby kicks. The best part of pregnancy by far. This baby is actually pretty chill, maintaining a steady stream of calm but consistent movement which helps to keep me from worrying.

Oren loving on the baby. He kisses my belly constantly, is adamant that there's a sister in there for him (Wes is still pulling for a boy, so someone is sure to be disappointed) and seems really into the whole pregnancy and baby idea. He is such a lover and I can't wait to see him with the actual baby.

All seems well. Glucose test came back fine, blood work was good, baby is measuring correctly and I've had no crazy or out of the ordinary symptoms or complications thus far. Fingers crossed we continue to be so lucky.

The Bad:

Braxton hicks all day err'y day. This is a first for me to experience this many, this frequently and this early in pregnancy. I had them a lot at like 38 weeks with the boys, but not even close to the amount I have been having with this babe already. They don't hurt, but man are they uncomfortable. Especially the other day when they were coming like every five minutes for an entire day. No amount of water consumption or moving around would calm them and having my belly turn hard as a boulder off and on all day while trying to work and sleep was very distracting.

Heartburn and indigestion. Tums are my new best friend. I never had this at all with my guys before so I've been kind of surprised by this one. Doesn't that mean baby will have a full head of hair or something? I have had two dreams, one where baby was a boy with thick black hair, and one where baby was a girl who had a face just like Wes's but with a mop of curly blond hair. So, maybe that means this kid is destined to have a wild mane of hair upon delivery? We will know soon enough.

The Ugly:

What are the hideous blue veins I found bulging out of the back of my right thigh two days ago?! I suspect they've been there awhile and I've just now discovered them. It's not often I get a glimpse of much of what's going on below the belly button these days and I was shocked upon this discovery. I shouted for Josh to hurry over and inspect them whilst having a mini panic attack about the possibility of them being permanent. ARE they permanent? Just don't tell me, it's better if I don't know.

No sleep. I'm not even going to get into the insomnia discussion again because I'll start to cry just writing about it. Just know that it is easily the most frustrating thing in my life right now. I know I won't be much more (if any more) rested when the baby comes, but at least I'll have a tangible little baby to snuggle with through the long hours of the night instead of my ridiculous pregnancy pillow. And I'll be on maternity leave. Which miiiiight be two greatest words in the english language. Now THAT I'm looking forward to.

Anyone else out there in the last stretch of pregnancy? How are you holding up? I'd love to hear/have someone to commiserate with. And I know we (I) will get through and I know how lucky I am to even be here in the first place. I mean, I've got a baby waiting for me at the end of this marathon, and I can't think of anything more worth the trouble. So, let's do this. We can totally do this.

Carry on sisters, carry on.

Life Lately

Let's just be real for a minute. This is what my calendar looks like right now.  Even looking at it is giving me heart palpitations.

And that pretty much sums up life lately if you wanted it in a nutshell. So just know that I haven't given up on blogging, I just can't seem get my brain in any sort of mind frame for writing or my butt in a chair for the hour or so of free time it takes to write a decent post. And I'm trying to give myself a little grace on this front. (I hope you will too). This space is important to me, but sometimes you just have to admit you can't keep up with it all, all the time. Summer is always the busiest season for us every year by far, but somehow I seem to forget that until one day I wake up I realize every single day is booked with one thing or another (or sometimes three). And normally I'm happy to roll with it knowing plenty of cold winter days spent cooped up inside are waiting for us just around the corner - but this summer and this pregnancy just do not seem to be compatible. Life has been all doctor appointments, school supply shopping, graduations, birthdays, birthday party planning (I'm about to have a SIX year old?!), photo shoots, bridal showers, hair appointments, vet appointments, dentist appointments - you name an appointment and chances are it's on my calendar this month. Add in a husband who has been traveling for work more than ever before and things are just...rough...right now, if I'm being honest. And I can't seem to be able to find the off switch for my brain at night to allow me any solid stretches of good sleep. Last night as I sat in bed knowing that my alarm was set for 5am but at 2am I still had yet to even close my eyes? - it's all just a little maddening if you can imagine. Has anyone else experienced a pretty severe case of pregnancy insomnia before? I had it a little near the end of my last two pregnancies, but I'm talking like the last four weeks or so. But this has been going on already now for at least a month, and I can't see how it will improve as I only get bigger, more uncomfortable and closer to delivery. Normally, if I weren't pregnant I'd be all, bring on the ambien! But so far as I know, there's not a whole lot of safe and effective stuff to take when you're with child. Yesterday (at yet another appointment - whatup glucose test?) my midwife suggested I take half a Benadryl before bed to help make me drowsy, so I'm going to try that. But if anyone else has any tried and true suggestions - I am all ears.  Really, lay it on me. That or lay a rubber mallet upside my head tonight because girlfriend is getting desperate.

Meanwhile, I'm going to do my best to keep up with the demands of this month and still carve out a little time for blogging where I can. I do have another post in the works on what I've been reading lately - (the one perk to insomnia being plenty of extra hours for catching up on books and mindlessly scrolling through Netflix?) - so stay tuned for that post (hopefully) coming soon(ish). I'm not making any promises :/

Much love and sleeping dust to all.

xoxo

On Birthing Third Babies and Facing Fear

I am 26 weeks pregnant and I am not sleeping. At night in bed with all the pillows crowded around me I dream and I wake and I toss and I turn and I fret. I am agitated. I am always agitated. I can't even put my finger on why. There is a fear simmering inside of me waiting for attention. Wes starts kindergarten at a new school in three weeks and transitions like this are always hard for me. But I don't know if that's it, because when the worried thoughts come into my head I push them out and I haven't allowed myself much time to dwell on them. He starts school 20 days from now regardless of how I spend the next 20 days. I can spend them full of dread, slowly killing off our last few weeks of summer with nervous anticipation or I can ignore that date that's looming over my head and cross that bridge the day I come to it. So I've been doing the latter and soaking up these last few summer days for all they're worth. The agitation, I suspect, comes with the impending fall season for other reasons.

****

One more birth. I have still have to go through one more birth before I'm done. I don't have great experiences to look back on. In fact, the days my boys were born were two of the most gut wrenching, terror fraught days of my life. I WANT to remember them with fondness, because after all, they do have a happy ending. I have two beautiful and healthy children as the result, and for that I am so, so grateful. But. They were painful, not just physically, but emotionally unsettling and disturbing. I foolishly thought I could breeze through my first labor with an epidural and when that didn't work out it rocked my world. When the drugs weren't working and Wes was born transverse after intense back labor and no pain relief with the cord wrapped so tightly around his neck that he had to be taken away and resuscitated, I thought that was just a fluke. Surely the next time would be better. Next time I would take more control of the situation. And the next time I studied everything there was to know about laboring drug free. I took classes, I listened to relaxation tapes and practiced deep breathing. I had a birth plan and I was prepared this time. Until, I wasn't.

Until son number two came barreling out faster than I could even comprehend. Until my water broke and it was obvious there was meconium in the fluid. Until there wasn't time for an epidural or deep breathing and I lost complete control of absolutely everything. Until Oren came out blue and limp and unresponsive. But this time he wasn't so easily resuscitated. This time they took him from me in an ambulance to another hospital before I'd even laid eyes on him. Once again I found myself in a hospital bed, tired, wounded and with empty arms. Later they made it clear to me that we were very, very lucky Oren's story had the happy ending that it did. That he only had to be hospitalized for four days and that he suffered no long term effects from his rocky entrance into this world.

So when I think of doing this again, I don't have the naïve optimism I once had. I no longer assume that things will work out fine, or that I have any control or choice in the way this birth goes and I am terrified. And so, I ignore it. I haven't done anything to prepare for this birth. I have taken no classes, read no books, formed no plan. I have no idea if I will want to try for pain relief this time or if it will even be an option. I feel lost and anxious and instead of looking to that day with happy anticipation I am dreading it. At this point I no longer expect, nay, even bother hoping for a beautiful, serene birth and a magical moment of meeting my baby and holding them to my chest. Instead I am reduced to the most basic desires. I hope to make it to the hospital and I hope for a breathing baby this time. I am scared even hoping for these most basic things means I am sure not to get them. I worry about giving birth in the car, I worry about breech presentation and emergency C-sections. I worry about blue babies and all the things that could go wrong instead of right.

So, how do I change this? What do I do to let go of all this fear? I am SO excited to finally meet this baby and I feel like I have never wanted a baby more than I want this one, right now. But I just wish there was a way to escape the birth. I wish I could just go to sleep and someone would wake me when it's over. But I can't do that. It's coming for me, no matter how much I try to fight it. And so, I am trying to let go and looking for a way to be able to feel the way Amanda did when she so eloquently wrote, "I feel a calmness, similar to labor, knowing that what is ahead will come regardless of how I respond." I need to find a way to get to that place where I am comfortable handing over any modicum of control. There is a calmness I am so desperately seeking. I just need to find it. I am trying to unstrap this fear from around my heart and breathe, breathe, breathe.

24 Weeks and an Update!

I made it to 24 weeks! This is the part in pregnancy where I do a big exhale because at this point, should something go wrong and baby decides to come (way) early, there's a chance our little bebe could actually survive on the outside given lots and lots of medical intervention. It's scary to think about, and hopefully we won't need to, but it's reassuring to know that with each additional week that passes from here on out the chances of survival only improve. It's, like, totally a real person in there. Viability!!!

The internets say baby weighs over a pound already and is about a foot in length. Which, sort of seems big when you think about it, considering it started out as just a cluster of cells a few months ago, but both my boys were approaching 9lbs at delivery -- which means this belly of mine still has a WAYS to go. It already feels like I'm trying to turn a ship at sea, my belly cutting through the night, as I roll from side to side (to side to side) trying to find a comfortable position for sleep. So, the next few months should be interesting.

This time around has been a little different than the last two (and each of those were different from the other) but I've been more nauseous for one thing. In fact I still feel queasy for the first few minutes upon waking every morning, though it usually passes quickly now. I feel like the nausea has gotten exponentially worse with each consecutive pregnancy I've had, though compared to women who suffer with hyperemesis it's been a walk in the park so I try not to complain.

I've been a lot more tired this time around too, but that probably has more to do with having two young kids to care for combined with how busy things are at work than the specifics of this pregnancy itself. In fact, if anything, my biggest complaint would have to be the total loss of control over my hormones and emotions this time around. I just feel a lot grumpier, a lot less patient than I ever have before. I cry at pretty much everything, and even though I don't want to be I find myself sad and weepy or acting just plain mean for no good reason at all. Poor Josh has bore the brunt of this and I keep apologizing to him for not being a nice wife anymore. I hate feeling like a perpetual grump, and I can't be much fun to be around so I really, really hope this passes after the baby is born. I mean, I won't stay this way, right? Someone tell me there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, the pregnancy acne is like whoa.

Hormones, man. Josh totally wins husband of the year for keeping the nightly back and foot massages coming despite my general sour mood. He really is a good egg and contrary to my attitude lately I do realize that I'm very, very lucky.

Let's see, what else? Well, baby's room is getting close to done, and we're picking up the last piece of furniture we need (a shelf) in a couple weeks from the Pittsburgh IKEA when we'll be in town to see Jenny Lewis. The bathroom off baby's room still needs painted, and all the walls are still bare. Although those are likely to remain that way until we meet our little one and see if baby is a he or she. We've got a new car seat and an ample supply of newborn diapers to get us started thanks to my mama, who is obviously the greatest. And I think we even have the names nailed down.

We have had such a hard time settling on names this time around, which is totally different than both times before. Mostly because we were just plain out of boys names we liked and the girl's name we've had on standby since 2008 was sort of feeling a little stale at this point. But I think we've finally got them!

Here's a hint.

They're not any of these names - ha! But those are some of my runners up. (And yes, I DID just make that little name bubble for illustration purposes, and you're very welcome). If I were planning on having any more children I'd tell you not to steal them, but since this is likely it for us, I offer these favorites up to the universe for the taking.  Both the boy name and the girl name we have picked out start with the letter E so I've been calling the baby "E" when talking to him/her/the belly lately, which is kind of fun to be able to do since we don't know the gender. And I don't think we'll change our minds on the names because at this point when I think about how we only get to use one of them and not the other I get kind of bummed out because I've grown to like them both so much. Which is a relief, because we really struggled to find names we LOVED and not just liked well enough and settled for.

So that's my update. My next check in with the midwife is my 28 week appointment and glucose test and by then I will have officially hit the third trimester!

I can't believe how fast time flies

xoxo

20 Weeks

I hit the half way point in my pregnancy yesterday so I thought now would be a good time for a little update post. So far, these first twenty weeks have been pretty uneventful. Not that that's bad - I'm fairly certain "uneventful" is exactly what you should hope for during pregnancy. But the hardest part of for me is the waiting (for those who know me well, I realize how shocking this is ;) But besides a few unpleasant side effects in the beginning, it never feels to me like much is happening the whole first half.  

But now that we're on the other side, we're at a place where things are little more exciting. Like the sweetest little baby kicks I get all day long now. Josh was even able to feel one on the outside the other day for the first time.

We also got to see our little girl or guy in ultrasound form a couple of weeks ago and I am totally head over heels in love with that perfect profile already. I can't wait to kiss that itty bitty nose and stare at that tiny face for hours upon hours once he or she is finally here. And it may have been the excellent ultrasound technician or we just really lucked out, but I feel like this kid is already extremely photogenic. I mean is it just me or do our kids just get cuter and cuter each time? (They do.) I'm sure I'm not at all biased or anything (I am) but this kid already deserves the Most Beautiful Baby Ever award in my opinion, and I plan to have a sash and wreath of flowers on standby in the delivery room awaiting their gorgeous arrival.

But besides gushing about my fetus's drop dead good looks, there's not a whole lot else to talk about, really. Check ups are still four weeks apart and it's still a little too early to go hog wild getting things ready for the baby. As much as I WANT to drag out all the newborn onesies, wash them in loads of Dreft and then roll around in the resulting pile of heaven scented laundry before folding each one and meticulously stacking them in color coordinated dresser drawers, I will resist - for a few more months anyway.

We are painting the nursery this weekend! And by "we" I mean my dad and sister since Josh will be out of town for work and I can't be around the fumes. So that's something. But mostly I'm just counting down the days until fall and speculating about this new little soul and who they are and all the ways they will inevitably change life as I know it completely and forever.

and I can not wait.

Taking on the Nursery

One of the more exciting things about pregnancy (at least to me) is getting the baby's future bedroom ready. The way this old house of ours is laid out is that we have four bedrooms on the second floor and a fifth on the third floor. Ideally, one day when the kids are older and we're not getting up with them at night, the plan is to take over the entire third floor (which has it's own living area and full bath) and make that our master bedroom. That's the long term goal. For now we opted to make the biggest room on the second floor (and the one with the largest closets) our master bedroom and the fifth bedroom is currently being used for storage while the living area up there is being used as a playroom. It's a really good arrangement for this stage in our life and the best use of space for our kids at their current ages. By the time they're too old to need a playroom, we will be more comfortable sleeping a floor away from them and the third floor remodel/master bedroom takeover will commence. Until then, we're all happily residing on the second floor in three of the four bedrooms. The fourth bedroom is currently known as our "guest bedroom" (lol) and soon to be baby's room. We have not set foot in this room since we moved in outside of cleaning it and removing the carpet when we had all the carpet on the second floor ripped out. Other than that it's simply been the landing spot for our second hand guest bed (which no one has really used yet) and the occasional use of the attached bath. We have not painted, nor furnished, nor even purchased a working light fixture for this room yet. Any poor guest that might stay here in its present condition would not have a light to turn on, nor a curtain to close. I didn't even go buy new bedding, just threw on an old quilt we had. Clearly, it is not ideal. But it really hasn't been used at all, so it also hasn't been a priority until now.

Game on.

I am so ready to get things moving in here. The plan going forward is to take all of the stuff currently being stored in the fifth bedroom upstairs and move that junk to the basement where we have plenty of room to store it there instead. Once the fifth bedroom is emptied out we will make that our guest bedroom and move the bed up there. We don't often have over night guests but when we do I think this arrangement will work out fine as they will have a bit of privacy and separation from the rest of us being a floor away. Not to mention that bedroom has it's own full bath up there as well, with a glorious claw foot soaking tub and shower, so they'll have all they should need. 

The nice thing about the soon to be baby's room is that even though it's the smallest, it has it's own attached full bath. Not that the baby will be using it anytime soon, especially since it only has a shower and no tub in here. But one day this kid is going to love having their own bathroom while the rest of us schlepp to the hall bath or upstairs.

Getting a bit off topic here, but the bathroom situation is still a bit up in the air. We all float around using various bathrooms and so far no one has really claimed one or another. Josh and I actually shower in this little bathroom most of the time and the boys bathe in the tub in the hall bath or the claw foot tub upstairs depending on the day. Now that we will (hopefully!) have a sleeping baby in this bedroom whom we will not want to disturb with early morning showers I think it's finally time to claim one of the other two full baths as our own and make the other a dedicated Wes/Oren bathroom. That's something we will have to sort out here as we go along, but that's the easy part.

The meat and potatoes of this little project is turning this poor old neglected room into our baby's nursery. But don't worry, I have a plan. Literally. I have a furniture plan and mood board all worked out, just take a look...

So the tricky part about designing this room is we don't know the gender of our soon to be baby, and we're not planning on finding out until birth, just like we did with the other two. This doesn't really bother me too much as I'm not big on gender specific stuff anyway and I wouldn't be decorating with pink flowers or blue trucks even if we did know. But in some instances, like when selecting the artwork or window coverings, I do think a more masculine or feminine feel is something to consider. So below I've put together a basic, gender neutral room that I absolutely LOVE minus curtains or artwork and other accessories that I'm happy to wait on until the baby is here. Having a functional room with a place to put the baby to sleep, change them and nurse them is the top priority. I can fill in the shelves and hang art later.

So my approach to this room is to save money where I can on the real "baby" stuff. I already bought that dresser (pictured above) at a local thrift store and we will simply attach a removeable changing pad to the top to make it fuction as changing table/dresser while necessary. There's really no need for a whole other piece of furniture dedicated to the sole purpose of wiping a kid's butt. When we no longer need the changing pad we simply remove it and it's back to just being a dresser. The crib is just a simple one from IKEA with a price tag of only $99. Since this is our last baby, we don't need to invest in something fancy since we won't be using a crib ever again. I'd rather spend our money on more permanent fixtures in the room and we'll be shopping for a twin bed before we know it. (The old crib we had for Wes and Oren was destroyed from over-use by the way, which is why we're in the market for a new one). The light fixture is my only real splurge in the whole room and it's not even that crazy expensive. But I love it and I've been eyeing it for this room for months. The rugs, rocker, lamp, mirror and other miscellaneous items are all moderately priced and I don't think I really went crazy money-wise anywhere in here. If I really had my choice and money was no object I'd be ordering this rocker in a heart beat. But that's not the case, and money is most definitely an object :) The rocker I chose instead is a classic and affordable piece that will look good in the room through babyhood and beyond, and the leather pouf will make a perfect foot rest for all those late night nursing sessions. The side table is a cheapy that I may even spray paint gold or something else fun, but for $49 you really can't go wrong. And for now I'm opting for a simple tortoise shell roman shade for privacy and to block sunlight. Like I said before, curtains are something I can always add later. 

Obviously we will be painting the walls (probably white) as well as painting the bathroom something a little less sky blue - I just don't know what yet. Also, I think some new bathroom sconces will definitely be in order. So that's my plan. I like it. I'm excited and if anyone feels like throwing me a baby shower just let me know ;) Just kidding, but  mother's day IS right around the corner and an item from the list below would make such a perfect gift, don't you think? (Hint, hint Josh) Haha, I know we'll get there and we have plenty of time to get this room in order. But I'm just so excited to see it all come together I can hardly wait!

Source list below:

rocker. 8' x 10' rug. crib. bookshelf. pendant light. leather pouf. table lamp. crib sheets. roman shades. mirror. round jute rug. side table.

14 Weeks!

Why, hello there second trimester. This pregnancy, like the ones before it, feels simultaneously like the longest and also shortest passage of time in my life. Each week seems to last FOREVER. I'm so anxious to get that baby in my arms and to get to know him or her that I can hardly stand it. At the same time, this is the last time we plan on doing this and so I don't want to rush a minute of this pregnancy. Like, I'm just now realizing I will never have a first trimester again - and that is so sad to me! Granted, I may be a touch overly sentimental right now as I grieve the end (hopefully) of morning sickness and extreme exhaustion but, really?! It's over?! Every day I wake up and I think, "ugh tuesday..." or whatever day it happens to be and then I think, "but wait, I'm pregnant!" It's no ordinary tuesday, it's one of the very few tuesdays in all of the tuesdays that will make up my life that I get to carry around a growing baby inside of me. This is a very special, very short season in my life and I'm trying to relish every day of it.

That said, I am very much looking forward to the second trimester. I hit 14 weeks on Monday and celebrated by scrubbing my house from top to bottom and then having a good cry. I don't know. I'm just hoping the hormones level out a bit as we enter this new phase. I am also looking forward to feeling the baby move soon! I have felt a few little twinges here and there that I can't be 100% positive were baby, but I expect the real deal to begin anytime now.  We also get to see our little one via ultrasound again at our 18 week appointment and I am so excited. I think we will hold off on finding out the gender again until birth like we did with the other two, but I just can not wait for another glimpse of my little babe.

I thought I might steal a page from Sydney's (day) book and do one of these little listy-posts below...by the way did you see she's having a girl?! What a gorgeous way to announce it too - those are the dreamiest photos. And speaking of babies did you see Joy's big announcement yesterday too?! We have the same due date so it will be fun to follow along with her pregnancy and compare virtual notes. Lots of bloggers having babies right now and I kind of love it.

Me, at 14 weeks:

Making: a baby. about 26 weeks to go until completion but I'm feeling pretty good about it so far.
Cooking: big pots of this simple sauce. it's the perfect light dinner for these warmer, spring nights.
Drinking: lots of water and other caffeine free beverages.
Reading: the poisonwood bible and loving it so far, I'm sure you'll find a book review here in the near future.
Wanting: hmmm, where to begin? how about more sleep for starters.
Looking: for nursery furniture and décor. post coming soon...
Playing: gillian welch records on spotify.
Wasting: time on instagram, what else is new?
Wishing: I had an unlimited budget to blow on previously mentioned nursery furniture and décor. see also: extended periods of paid maternity leave a la our european and nordic brethren and also free healthcare. I started pre-paying on my estimated labor and delivery fees last month - ain't that some shit?
Enjoying: the thunderstorm as it rolled in this morning.
Waiting: for my handheld fetal doppler rental to arrive, ups says tomorrow is the day! I admit to being a bit of a helicopter parent when my children are still in the womb and i'm fine with that.
Liking:  that jenny lewis added a tour date to the calendar that happens to be somewhere near my vicinity. pittsburgh here we come.
Wondering: about the gender of our baby.
Loving: that we're headed to chicago for a long grown-ups only weekend for memorial day. is it too soon to pack?
Hoping: for a sunny mother's day weekend. we're planting flowers for my mama!
Marveling: at my sons. all day, every day.
Needing: new sandals. one of my favorites got lost in the move.
Smelling: everything. especially all of the gross things. it's one of the more undesirable side effects of pregnancy.
Wearing: long sleeves in the morning, short sleeves in the evening. make up your mind, ohio!
Following: tracey's blog and loving every minute of it.
Noticing: how oren's speech and language is changing and improving all the time.
Knowing: my way around town a bit better these days, we're coming up on a year since we moved and I don't feel like such an outsider anymore.
Thinking: about baby names. I'm fresh out of boy names y'all.
Feeling: nervous about this birth, but that's a topic for a whole other post.
Bookmarking: this recipe since january. I still haven't convinced anyone (abby) to make these for me yet. I'm still holding out hope.
Opening: bins of summer clothes for the boys and starting the big seasonal switchover.
Giggling: when oren tells me to be careful I don't squish our baby if anything comes near my belly.

Thank you, thank you

I just wanted to pop in over here today and give a big thank you to everyone for all your encouragement and congratulations over the news we shared Monday. We are, of course, THRILLED to be expecting our third baby this fall. It was a long time coming and it took quite awhile before we felt really ready to take the plunge. I mean, after Oren Henry it would take awhile for anyone to get up the gumption to go for another ;) But seriously, the stars finally aligned with jobs and the bigger house and everything we felt we needed to have in place before we could feel comfortable committing to another baby. But we did it! We're finally here, and it feels so good!

I am only a smidge over nine weeks along which is still very early. We would have preferred waiting until we were into the second trimester before sharing the news but my belly popped pretty much immediately (third baby and all) and there was just no sense in trying to hide it any longer. I think half the people we see on a regular basis had already guessed anyways. The good news is, monday morning we had our first ultrasound and my midwife and doctor assured me that so far baby is doing great and things are right on track.

I just feel really, really lucky is all I can say. I was never sure a third baby was in the cards for us and as much as I'd hoped for it to happen one day, it was never a guarantee. I feel like this is just such a special gift we've been given to get one more shot at this parenting thing and to meet one more amazing little person who will change our lives forever.

So thanks again for all your kind words and phone calls and messages. We are completely over the moon.